by Chrissy, submissive, USA.
In a nutshell I was abandoned at 13. At 21 I found my 1st love – pokes turned into pushing, then punching -before long I was just a hostage to him. After my beatings he would cry and I would comfort him and he’d make gentle love to me. Somehow somewhere sex got mixed in with the beatings – when I left him he broke into my apartment and unscrewed all the light bulbs. When I got home I was thinking “I know I paid the bill”. I was so naïve. He was behind a door and pounced – I don’t remember a lot from that last night but I do remember the last words to me were “bitch aint nobody gonna want you now”. He had herpes and was active in a breakout. He stomped on my head and I woke up hours later broken and bloody. After a few days in bed I went to the doctor – he’d never seen someone so torn up. They didn’t think I’d ever be able to have children as my cervix was damaged. I have cervical herpes now. Anyway, I did carry 2 children – thank god.
Fast forward 23 yrs later and I’m now 21 months into recovery and this sex issue I have is making itself very known. I’ve always liked my sex rough but now the very things he did to me that damaged me are what I need to get aroused – bondage, face smacking, hair pulling and choking are my main top turn ons. I do see a sex therapist to ensure my safety as this is part of my addictive brain and I cannonball into everything. Just the other day I broke all set protocol and met a stranger. I’d messaged him for about a month on FetLife and was bound to the bed within minutes. We played HARD. It was so intense I loved it – however I think I traumatized him. He says I’m too intense and its not in his nature to be “that way”. Although I was extremely clear as to what I wanted beforehand. He seemed fine and into it at the time… But this is my ongoing struggle.